it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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