I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My pussy is not your playground.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
