life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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