My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
