My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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