i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
