weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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