Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
wanna go halves on a baby?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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