party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
