Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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