i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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