My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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