I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
