so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
