some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
