I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
