I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
