Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
