I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
