Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Shame - the story of my life.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
