dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
