you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
