By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Randomize
