So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
