Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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