i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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