I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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