I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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