I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I have surprise drugs for everyone
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize