Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize