she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
