I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
