Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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