i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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