why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
