mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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