The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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