I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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