Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
