coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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