im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
