your room smells of hookers.
And success
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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