she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize