your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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