who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize