I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I need a burrito and a hug.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize