her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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