i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
