I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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