What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
