Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
