party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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