so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
