So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
