tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize