i need an iv and a liver transplant
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
