It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
