You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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