My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
