Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
