Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
