i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Im part way to drunk.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
