I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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