I love black thongs
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
