Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
