Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
