I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
