Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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