How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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