is your mom at the bar?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just pee around me
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Drunk is not a location!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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